To Catch a Predator

Mrs. Danglewood is a highly successful graduate student, dedicated to working with special needs children. She is young, beautiful, and has fantastic taste in men. But she has a secret desire that could jeopardize everything. Traveling to rural Kansas, she plans a liaison to satiate that desire. Little does Mrs. Danglwood know, she is about to be part of an un-aired feature on Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator."

Using the screen name BulldogBitch, Mrs. Danglewood has attempted to solicit the company of underage bulldogs. Working with local authorities and Dateline NBC, Mutts & Strays Kennel has agreed to provide a decoy to lure this predator to their sting operation.

The decoy is a six month old beagle-bulldog mix, posing as an eight week old English bulldog. Mrs. Danglewood chats with him online for two weeks. The conversations are explicit. In one session she asks "Does your leg shake when your belly is scratched?" Finally, a meeting time and place is scheduled. Mrs. Danglewood will wait across the street from the kennel she thinks the decoy lives at. He will pretend to be ornery and dig a little hole under the fence, cutely wiggle underneath it, then scamper over to her.

Mrs. Danglewood arrives twenty minutes early, but local law enforcement, and the Dateline NBC crew are ready. As the decoy squirms under the fence, Mrs. Danglewood rushes forward to meet him, then stops short as she sees reporter Chris Hansen walking toward her.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Danglewood." He says. "What did you have planned here?"

"Nothing. Nothing. Just hanging out." She starts to back away, toward the car. She hasn't yet noticed the authorities hiding behind the car, ready to spring into action should she try to flee.

"Really? That's not what it says in these internet transcripts I have here in my hand." Suddenly, reams of paper magically appear in Chris Hansen's hand. They appear to be damning.

"I- I," she stammers, and stares transfixed at Chris Hansen and his handful of her damnation.

He points the transcripts at her. "How old did you think this puppy was?"

"I think he said he was eight weeks."

"Eight weeks. Tsk."

TRANSCRIPT--

BulldogBitch: Have you been weened yet?

Lilstinker: ...

BulldogBitch: Maybe I could help you out with that.

Lilstinker: ...

END OF TRANSCRIPT

Chris Hansen peruses the pages casually. "What kind of things did you want to do with him?"

"I don't know." She looks pleadingly from Hansen to the puppy.

"Hold him?"

"Maybe."

"Pet him?"

"Yes."

"Scratch his belly?"

"Yes."

"Smell his puppy breath?"

Mrs. Danglewood rubs her eyes and sobs as though she were crying.

Soon after, Chris Hansen reveals himself to be a television reporter, that the entire thing has been a sting operation, and Mrs. Danglewood is being filmed for a TV broadcast. Police leap from behind the car, tackling her to the ground. She manages to elbow one in the groin, and bite the ear off another. In the struggle, she wrestles free, disarms one of the officers, and with the cop's firearm, plugs Chris Hansen in the chest six times. The exit wounds spray Lilstinker with Hansen's blood. He shakes himself dry in such an adorable way, then waddles into the car with Mrs. Danglewood. Before speeding off, she looks into the camera and says, "I told you I was a bitch!"