Awww!

I got a call late last night from Lil' Stinker. She was in a panic. Through the snorting and licking and wheezing of her short snout, I could hear whimpering.

Her grunts and whimpers were running into each other. Something was wrong, but in her state, I could not tell what.

"Silence, she-bitch!" I shouted. She was silent, and after pacing nervously around in three circles, she sat down and looked up at me. "Now, slow down and tell me what's wrong."

The first thing she told me was that she needed my poop. Or rather, a piece of my poop. One just large enough to pass for the stool sample of an eleven week old bull dog puppy. Not her of course, but a friend of hers that was having a poop analysis done at the vet's in the morning. However, the friend had just finished the last leg of the Iditarod and was severely dehydrated, and thus constipated.

The entire situation struck me as odd, and Lil' Stinkers story didn't add up. I had heard of puppies eating feces and was beginning to wonder if Lil' Stinker had picked up the nasty habit from one of the neighbor dogs. Had the dachshund across the way turned her on to shit? Was this the first sign of a jones coming on, an attempt to con me out of my poo?

I of course refused to help. The story was too shady, I told her. And any sensible vet would reschedule. Finally she broke down into a pile of wrinkles and drool. The poo was for her. She was a candidate for high profile government job. She needed to provide a stool sample to test for worms, parasites, and narcotics. The problem was that until recently she had been a drug mule for a missouri cartel running dope through Kansas. She hid balloons of coke or H in her tail pocket, and if any drug dog got too suspicious, she cried sexual harassment, and he got his balls snipped. Unfortunately, on her last run two nights ago, a german shepherd got a little too frisky. One of the balloons exploded. She spent the last two days thinking she was a fire hydrant. She just came down an hour ago, with enough time to remember her job, the test, and a desperate need for clean shit.

I could tell by the way she licks her butt she wasn't lying to me. She said she'll do anything for me, if only I'll help her out this one time. I thought back to all of her crap I've had to pick up, and all of the stains in the carpet.

"No, Lil' Stinker. No." She can clean up her own mess this time.


Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T