For You, World

Lil' Stinker goes under the knife today. It was a hard decision, but I think it's in everyone's best interest.

Over the weekend we all went to Woofstock. It's a little get together in the park for people and dogs to mingle, make contacts, and sniff each other's butts. Along the main thruway there were booths for various businesses and hucksters from the community. Towards the back of the park, set off a bit from the rest of the crowd, a woman had set up a little tent under the shade of a dead sycamore. Lil' Stinker had to crap really bad and this was the clearest spot, so we headed over.

Turns out the woman was a fortune teller, and she was one of only five people who could read someone's fortune from their droppings. Intrigued, I gave her five bucks and lead her to wear Lil' Stinker was finishing a hearty bowel movement. The woman sank down to her knees and plunged both hand into the turds. All around us it was quiet, as though the park was frozen time. The only sound was a faint squishing noise as the fortune teller squeezed the poop between her fingers.

Long story short, she made a series of dramatic grunts and writhing movements, then said that Lil' Stinker's sixth pup from her sixth litter would be the anti christ. We all laughed. She was no fortune teller, just a crazy woman kneeling in dog shit.

And that's what we thought until Lil' Stinker pulled a knife on Mrs. Danglewood. We've been trying to switch her to a healthier diet for some time. But when Mrs. D was filling the dog bowl with Science Diet Lil' Stinker tried to shank her with a filed down milk bone. So we've put away the Science Diet and she's back to eating neighbor babies.

But if that wasn't bad enough, Lil' Stinker has gotten really arrogant about the whole thing. She keeps calling herself Whore of Babylon, and Satan's Mommy. She says that the dark lord will suckle from her hellish teats, and when you're not looking she tries to milk them in your soda. So we've decided to nip this whole thing in the bud and have her spayed. Because if she's like this now, she'll be completely intolerable after birthing baby satan. So, you're welcome, apocalyptos. The end still isn't nye.

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