LeBron Kong?

LeBron James walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks up from cleaning mugs and says, "Wow, where'd you get that thing?"

The parrot squawks, "From the cover of Vogue, they're everywhere."

A lot is being made of LeBron James on the cover of Vogue. He poses in mid-dribble, growling, and clinging to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen like... well, like she's a Brazilian supermodel. To some, it's racially insensitive. But why?

There are two claims that the cover is racially insensitive. The first charge is that it perpetuates the stereotype of the violent, angry, black man. The second charge is that the cover is overtly racist, portraying James as King Kong, or a gorilla, holding onto his captive white woman.

When dealing with perceptions, there really is no right or wrong. But it is useful to examine why people see what they do, and why it is different from what someone else sees. For instance, if looking at that picture, you see a black man posing as a gorilla, who is applying the stereotype? Does the photo have anything in it that a reasonable person would associate with primates? There are no bananas, no jungle in the background, and no swings hanging from the air. So what in your brain made you associate gorilla with LeBron James? Is that Vogue's racism at work? Leibovitz's? Lebron's? Or yours?

It reminds me of when Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was released. Some people were upset that a few of the aliens (non-humans)appeared to be stereotypes for Japanese and Jews. Mind you, these were aliens (non-humans) with bug eyes, wings, etc. So how could they represent stereotypes of human ethnic groups? "Well, that one sounds Jewish and he's greedy." So because it sounded the way some viewers percieved a Jew to sound, and acted in a way some viewers percieved a Jew to act, they saw a Jew. Nevermind that the movie took place in a time long, long ago and a place far, far away where there were no Jews.

But instead of recognizing their own racists perceptions, they blamed George Lucas for what they saw. George Lucas has done a lot to harm the world with those last three movies, but I don't think you can blame him for spreading racism or antisemitism across the galaxy. Nor can you blame Leibovitz, James, or Vogue for it. If looking at that cover you see a chest-pounding gorilla ready to rape-- and not one of our most gifted and competitive athletes holding onto a sexy woman, then maybe there is something wrong with your perception...

LeBron James walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks up from cleaning mugs and says, "Wow, where'd you get that thing?"

"From Africa," James says. "They're everywhere."

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Are Florida and Michigan Red Herrings?

The clamor for a re-vote in Florida and Michigan is growing increasingly loud as the Democrat's nomination continues without a clear winner. Talking heads shoot the word disenfranchise at one another and the smell of hyperbole is thick in the air. But is it all for naught? Do Florida and Michigan really matter? Or is this another example of how little faith the American political system has in the American people?

Florida and Michigan moved their primaries ahead of the schedule set by the Democratic National Committee so that they would play a larger role in selecting the nominee. Why should a state the size of New Hampshire have more weight than a Florida or Michigan? Technically New Hampshire, no matter how early it votes, represents the same number of delegates no matter what. Unfortunately, because state primaries are spread out over almost a year, the primaries are a sort of race. They're like the racing games at the arcade. You have to finish your lap in a certain amount of time to continue, if you don't make it in that time you have to put another quarter in to keep racing. But with the primaries, if you don't finish those first couple of laps in 1st, 2nd or 3rd people stop giving you quarters to finish the race. A candidate who stalls in the first couple of primaries, but would otherwise do well nationally, is left staring at a flashing "GAME OVER" with no quarters to be had. So in that sense, those early states like New Hampshire with 30 delegates do have more say than Michigan and its 156 delegates. They essentially get to pick who the rest of the country votes for.

Understandably, Florida and Michigan didn't like this setup, and probably more states than that. But they were the only ones to defy DNC rules and move up their primaries. Only now their delegates don't count. Whether they should count, have a re-vote, or split the delegates isn't really that important. The real question is will they make a difference? If you look at the numbers, it's easy to see that they won't. Neither candidate has a chance to gain enough delegates need to win the nomination. Because of party rules, this thing is already out of the hands of the voters. Florida and Michigan aren't the only ones being disenfranchised, the entire country is.

Because we have a political system with delegates, superdelegates, and an electoral college the vote of the common citizen means very little. Don't believe me? Ask Al Gore. Ask the next nominee of the Democrat Party. The next nominee might have the most votes, but believe me, that's not how he/she will be chosen. It could just as easily go the other way. How would they do it and remain "democratic"? Let's say Hillary wins the nomination without the most votes. She would have done so because the superdelegates all magically decided to vote for her, giving her the nomination. That's what those superdelegates are for, to ensure that the will of the party can override the will of the people.

That's not to say your vote doesn't count. It counts in the sense that the more a candidate has, the longer that candidate can stay in the race. But party elders are ultimately the ones who decide which candidate crosses the finish line first.

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Keep Your Lead, China! I've Brought My Own

China has been getting a lot of heat again, this time for its military reaction to the protests in Tibet. Tibetans have used the Beijing Olympics as a springboard for their campaign, not of independence, but to say "Hey, quit being such an asshole" in their nomadic-mountain-folk-Buddhist way. China knew this was going to happen.

The Olympics presented a golden opportunity for Tibetans to get some media attention after about a decade of neglect (where the hell did you go Beastie Boys?) Conversely, it gave China a chance to show that it wasn't so bad, it wasn't trying to breed Tibetan's out of existence by importing ethnic Chinese into the region. And so, to the concerns and criticisms leveled by the Tibetan protesters, China's released this carefully crafted response: "Fuck you!" Fuck you in the form of thousands of troops occupying Lhasa, hundreds of arrests, and many dead.

So they've got that going for them.

To be honest, I was afraid the Tibetans weren't going to get their five minutes. Before the protests, there was a lot of talk that this was going to be the Darfur Olympics. Everyone was going to protest and boycott the Beijing Olympics because China has been sucking oil out of a troubled region for the past eight years. Nevermind the people that have been killed, displaced, and oppressed for more than fifty years.

And nevermind China's other issues with human rights, pollution, and puppy murders. Recently China made the point to call America's human rights record into question. America has a terribly high prison population, among other things wrong with the country, but it doesn't negate China's record. Like the estimated 10,000 people executed each year (NYTIMES). I say estimated, because China doesn't really release those numbers, so it's up to different watchdog groups to figure out. I imagine it's easy to keep a low prison population when death is the punishment for most crimes. Can you imagine being executed for downloading an mp3? Some people should for the crap they listen to, but that's neither here nor there.

To add to the injustice, the executed's family are charged for the cost of the execution. On the face of it, this doesn't sound like a bad idea, particularly for a communist country. After all, the bullet isn't free. It's the People's Bullet. Why should the People have to pay for something to the benefit of the individual?

My questions is, can you bring your own bullet? I don't need anything fancy. There's no need to use uranium tipped, armor piercing, hollow point, gold jacketed .50 cal rounds. At the same time, I don't want a .22 bullet bouncing around in my skull, destroying as many brain functions as possible without killing me. Blow my head off with a plain-jane .45 and I'll be happy. Better yet, here's a steak knife from my kitchen drawer. Let me have an open casket funeral and reduce the financial burden on my family.

If China wants to improve its image and salvage a little dignity for the Olympics (while polluting the world, exploiting and oppressing millions, and executing thousands) the least it can do is kill people with their own cutlery.

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In Times of Crisis, Thumbs Make Tasty and Nutritious Treat

Stranded in the frozen wastes of North Dakota, on a frigid February morning, Michael Strenclaw thought his last days were here. At the tail end of a fourteen hour bread delivery trip, Michael's truck hit a patch of black iceand spun into a station wagon, killing the family of six inside. Michael's vehicle flew off the road and was engulfed in a snow drift. The snowy tomb prevented any doors from being opened, and obscured all signs of the vehicle. Lost, hypothermic, snow blind and starving Michael knew that his only hope of survival was to consume as much food as he could to generate body heat. But what do you do when your own body is the only food available?

"At first it was hard," Michael says. "But I just thought about those people dead on the street. I saw a kid in the front seat. He was probably 8. He'd probably taste ok." And with that image in his mind, Michael set out to save himself, by eating himself. Creating tiny tourniquets around his thumbs, Michael deadened all sensation to them by cutting off circulation. Every five minutes he would take a test nibble until finally there was no pain. But just because there was no pain, doesn't mean there was no flavor.

"Oh, my god! They were delicious!" Michael claims. "Seriously, I didn't have to put anyting on them at all. I just bit into them. At that point, because of the cold and lack of blood, they were pretty firm, so it was like biting into an apple. Only a meat apple." Three days later, rescuers discovered tracks leading to a large snow drift. There they found Michael on a bed of wonderbread loaves, chewing away on his right big toe.

How could Michael survive so long on so little flesh, and his own flesh at that? The thumbs are believed to be ultra-dense fat repositories. Despite their size, thumbs can contain up to 80% of a body's caloric reserve. This is why many diets and exercise plans fail, as thumb fat is the hardest to lose.

Even though Michael crippled himself to survive, he is thankful to be alive. He gives credit to the family he murdered on the road for saving his life. Had it not been for their mangled remains, he doubts he could have summoned the appetite to autocannibalize himself.

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Lou Dobbs == Charlton Heston?

In 2010 primates will learn sign language and be able to communicate intelligently with humans. This new ability to "speak" will shock the world, throwing their legal status and rights into limbo. In an attempt to avoid future lawsuits, hundreds of research labs across the country will release millions of animals into the workforce. Lou Dobbs will finally shut the hell up about Mexicans and worry about the real threat to the nation's economy: those damn dirty apes!

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Butt bugs Got You Down?

You can't see them. You can't hear them. But chances are, you know someone who has them. And the odds are good that you'll get them, too. Do you find yourself or a loved one uptight, quick to anger, overly critical, and/or argumentative? If so, sphincter mites could be the cause.

This year, three out of four people in the world will be diagnosed with sphincter mites, also know as butt bugs. Five out of six people in America will be diagnosed with them.

Sphincter mites are microscopic parasites that live and breed in the internal rectal wall of humans. It is unknown how they spread from one host to another, but it is believed that their eggs become airborne and ingested by the host. The eggs incubate while traveling through the host's intestinal system, and upon being excreted from the bowels, hatch, then crawl back into the host through the anus. Though the mites are parasitic, they are mostly benign to the host throughout their life cycle.

While living, growing and breeding, sphincter mites consume bacteria, nutrients, and spores from fecal matter. Because of this trait, scientists have nicknamed sphincter mites "nature's little chimney sweeps." In the early 1950s, the US government attempted to use this characture of sphincter mites to promote rectal hygiene in elementary schools. Unfortunately, at the time little was understood about the negative effects of the mite.

Complications due to sphincter mites arise as members within the colony begin to die inside the host. Anal plaque, once removed efficiently from the body by the mites, begins to build up and harden at an accelerated rate. Eventually, feces and dead mites impact the colon, causing physical and mental distress. Removal of the mites is costly, time consuming, and embarassing. However, most people with sphincter mites are completely unaware of their condition, and go years without treatment.

According to Dr. Heitnutts of the American Scatological Society, there are several common reactions to an outbreak of sphincter mites. During the initial infestation, as the mites begin to scrub the colon, one might feel a sense of euphoria, or what some describe as righteousness. This feeling is accompanied by a noticeable lack of odor in the stool and intestinal gas. Once the colony beings to die, the host's excretiont patterns become erratic and infrequent. The host will become insecure and hypercritical to everything in its environment. Finally, the colony will be dead, no doubt the colon impacted, and the host will have an irrational desire to shit on everything, particularly things other people enjoy.

Removal of a living sphincter mite colony is impractical, as an ongoing infestation is rarely diagnosed. As of yet, there are no treatments to kill eggs such as with worms and other parasites. Once one has progressed to the final stages of infestation analscopy is the only treament. Using fiber optic cameras and industrial grade forceps, a licensed proctologist has to find what crawled up there and died, and pull it out.

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Bin Laden's Been Gettin' Busy

Osama Bin Laden's latest recording was released early this week on cassette tape, eschewing digital trends sweeping through the recording industry. Jihadists around the world have been anticipating this release for months, but was it worth the wait?

Since 2002 Bin Laden has been know more for spelunking than funky beats, wicked rhymes, or Jihadism. Questions about his relevance have grown among once loyal followers, and tabloid covers have America asking if Brittney is the new face of terrorism. Now with a new tape out, and a whole new spin on life, supPublish Postporters say Bin Laden is back, and back with a 'tude.

On his new tape, Bin Laden shifts his focus from America, and calls out the Pope and European cartoonists. Unofortunately, most of the tape feels dated as it devolves into a he said/she said rant about the pope, but it could just as easily be about Bush or sand fleas. After hearing only a few minutes of his diatribe, one can only think-- this is so 2003. Other targets for Bin Laden's wrath are those who would reproduce images of the prophet, including cartoonists, ice sculptors, confectionists, and action figure manufacturer McFarlane Toys. Ironically, the one highlight of the recording is a surprise holla to Far Side cartoonist Gary Larson, whom Bin Laden calls a "kindred spirit." While calling for the deaths of pedestrians and fruit sellers, Bin Laden officially names "the chicken of despair" as the Al Qaida mascot.

Despite all the hype leading up to this most recent Osama release, one can't help wonder if Jihadists will be left a little disappointed. The venom and menace once focused so heavily on America, seems lame and cruel when targeted on dutch cartoonists and a geriatric kraut. With Bush soon leaving office, and an imminent foreign policy shift in America, Bin Laden might think he has won the war on terror. But at what cost? Maybe he proves the old Saudi adage: It's better to blow up than to fade away.

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It's Thursday, March 20th

I woke up today and it is Thursday... again!

Not only is it thursday, but it is the 20th of March. Can you believe that shit? Who knew there were that many days in a month. On a lighter note, it's still 2008. Aren't we blessed to wake up each morning to such surprises and miracles?

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