Keep Your Lead, China! I've Brought My Own

China has been getting a lot of heat again, this time for its military reaction to the protests in Tibet. Tibetans have used the Beijing Olympics as a springboard for their campaign, not of independence, but to say "Hey, quit being such an asshole" in their nomadic-mountain-folk-Buddhist way. China knew this was going to happen.

The Olympics presented a golden opportunity for Tibetans to get some media attention after about a decade of neglect (where the hell did you go Beastie Boys?) Conversely, it gave China a chance to show that it wasn't so bad, it wasn't trying to breed Tibetan's out of existence by importing ethnic Chinese into the region. And so, to the concerns and criticisms leveled by the Tibetan protesters, China's released this carefully crafted response: "Fuck you!" Fuck you in the form of thousands of troops occupying Lhasa, hundreds of arrests, and many dead.

So they've got that going for them.

To be honest, I was afraid the Tibetans weren't going to get their five minutes. Before the protests, there was a lot of talk that this was going to be the Darfur Olympics. Everyone was going to protest and boycott the Beijing Olympics because China has been sucking oil out of a troubled region for the past eight years. Nevermind the people that have been killed, displaced, and oppressed for more than fifty years.

And nevermind China's other issues with human rights, pollution, and puppy murders. Recently China made the point to call America's human rights record into question. America has a terribly high prison population, among other things wrong with the country, but it doesn't negate China's record. Like the estimated 10,000 people executed each year (NYTIMES). I say estimated, because China doesn't really release those numbers, so it's up to different watchdog groups to figure out. I imagine it's easy to keep a low prison population when death is the punishment for most crimes. Can you imagine being executed for downloading an mp3? Some people should for the crap they listen to, but that's neither here nor there.

To add to the injustice, the executed's family are charged for the cost of the execution. On the face of it, this doesn't sound like a bad idea, particularly for a communist country. After all, the bullet isn't free. It's the People's Bullet. Why should the People have to pay for something to the benefit of the individual?

My questions is, can you bring your own bullet? I don't need anything fancy. There's no need to use uranium tipped, armor piercing, hollow point, gold jacketed .50 cal rounds. At the same time, I don't want a .22 bullet bouncing around in my skull, destroying as many brain functions as possible without killing me. Blow my head off with a plain-jane .45 and I'll be happy. Better yet, here's a steak knife from my kitchen drawer. Let me have an open casket funeral and reduce the financial burden on my family.

If China wants to improve its image and salvage a little dignity for the Olympics (while polluting the world, exploiting and oppressing millions, and executing thousands) the least it can do is kill people with their own cutlery.

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Axe Body Wash Makes Like Chinese Michael Vick, Murders Puppies With Lead-Based Treats

It's all over the news again: a third recall of Chinese manufactured items, poisoned with lead based paint. The last couple of recalls were crappy toys no one's played with in 5 years, except for poor kids who don't deserve toys in the first place. This time it's Barbie Dolls. Millions of girls and pansy boys from middle class families have been put at risk to the deadly effects of lead poisoning. But the nightmare doesn't end there. Yours-truly has recently discovered that another, far more important segment of the population, has been endangered by the greedy corporations, negligent manufacturers, and lead-spewing Chinese: the erotic toy-duck aficionado and his pet dog.

I recently purchased an Axe Body Wash Collector's Edition. i was in need of soap to showers, but I was lured to that product in particular by the free, sexy rubber-ducky included with the package. How could I resist? Little did I know that the sexy rubber-ducky was manufactured in China, and could possibly have killed or poisoned me.

Below I have reprinted an email I sent to Unilever, producers of Axe Body Wash; Accoutrements, toy-duck manufacturer; the Chinese Embassy; and the Consumer Product Safety Commission. The email details my concerns over the safety of their product, my experiences with the product, and some suggested short-term reparations until a recall of the product is made. Should any responses follow, be sure that they will be reprinted on this blog.

WARNING: the following email contains descriptions and scenes some might find upsetting, particularly those living in the imaginary world where money grubbing corporations and foreign countries really care whether or not they kill you with their product after you've purchased it.

To whom it may concern,

I recently purchased an Axe Shower Collector’s Edition with She Devil-Duck. While taking a bath with the She Devil-Duck, I noticed that it was produced in China. With the recent recalls of lead-tainted items manufactured in China, I wondered if the She Devil-Duck might also be subject to a recall.

Though I am concerned about the effects of lead poisoning, I am not familiar with the symptoms. Perhaps if I share my experiences with the She Devil-Duck you could determine whether or not I have been poisoned and/or a recall should take place.

I could not give you an accurate temperature of the bath water, but room temperature was 75 degrees and the water was slightly steaming. There was no soap present in the water, as I take baths to relax and/or masturbate. I placed the She Devil-Duck in the tub when it was about half-way full. While it squeaked adequately enough when squeezed, the She Devil-Duck did not perform so well in the water. Approximately two seconds after floating on the water it fell on its right side. Upon righting the duck, I made particular note of the subtle indentation over the duck's bodice, hinting at an ample bosom. Kudos to your art department for producing something erotic in duck form, yet not stooping to the gutter level of other body wash producers. As I continued my inspection I noticed: the made in China stamp on the bottom; and a few spots where paint had already begun to wear off. I did not know if the lead in your product was heat sensitive or not, but I immediately threw it out of the bath. Other than a slight case of premature pruning of the hands and feet, I can report no other ill effects from your lead poisoned item.

Unfortunately, I can not say the same for Lil' Stinker, the family dog, or our carpet. After tossing away the toxic rubber duck, Lil' Stinker took hold of it, and devoured it on the spot. I theorize that as the lead was activated by the steaming water, it became corrosive, breaking down the rubber, and making it easier for an unsuspecting pet to swallow it and die. As of this writing Lil' Stinker is still with us, her agonizing and inevitable death antagonized by severe bouts of explosive diarrhea. The walls are easy to paint over, however the carpet will be quite costly to replace; emotionally and monetarily. The missus and I first had sex on that carpet and there are some old stains, that have been covered by the new dog stains, which have great sentimental value.

At this moment, I do not seek any sort of compensation, only that this dangerous "toy" be removed from the market. Had any of our children survived their abortions, I shudder to think what tragedies might have taken place were they to come in contact with such a thing. I do suggest that a donation be made in the name of Lil’ Stinker to the American Scatological Society. These unheralded people work tirelessly at the study, treatment, and prevention of fecal morbidity. Perhaps your small act of contrition would save the next Lil’ Stinker from the miserable fate brought on by your charming, poison-filled novelty.

Please do the right thing.

Sincerely,
Barnabas Danglewood.

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