LeBron Kong?

LeBron James walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks up from cleaning mugs and says, "Wow, where'd you get that thing?"

The parrot squawks, "From the cover of Vogue, they're everywhere."

A lot is being made of LeBron James on the cover of Vogue. He poses in mid-dribble, growling, and clinging to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen like... well, like she's a Brazilian supermodel. To some, it's racially insensitive. But why?

There are two claims that the cover is racially insensitive. The first charge is that it perpetuates the stereotype of the violent, angry, black man. The second charge is that the cover is overtly racist, portraying James as King Kong, or a gorilla, holding onto his captive white woman.

When dealing with perceptions, there really is no right or wrong. But it is useful to examine why people see what they do, and why it is different from what someone else sees. For instance, if looking at that picture, you see a black man posing as a gorilla, who is applying the stereotype? Does the photo have anything in it that a reasonable person would associate with primates? There are no bananas, no jungle in the background, and no swings hanging from the air. So what in your brain made you associate gorilla with LeBron James? Is that Vogue's racism at work? Leibovitz's? Lebron's? Or yours?

It reminds me of when Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was released. Some people were upset that a few of the aliens (non-humans)appeared to be stereotypes for Japanese and Jews. Mind you, these were aliens (non-humans) with bug eyes, wings, etc. So how could they represent stereotypes of human ethnic groups? "Well, that one sounds Jewish and he's greedy." So because it sounded the way some viewers percieved a Jew to sound, and acted in a way some viewers percieved a Jew to act, they saw a Jew. Nevermind that the movie took place in a time long, long ago and a place far, far away where there were no Jews.

But instead of recognizing their own racists perceptions, they blamed George Lucas for what they saw. George Lucas has done a lot to harm the world with those last three movies, but I don't think you can blame him for spreading racism or antisemitism across the galaxy. Nor can you blame Leibovitz, James, or Vogue for it. If looking at that cover you see a chest-pounding gorilla ready to rape-- and not one of our most gifted and competitive athletes holding onto a sexy woman, then maybe there is something wrong with your perception...

LeBron James walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks up from cleaning mugs and says, "Wow, where'd you get that thing?"

"From Africa," James says. "They're everywhere."

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Are Florida and Michigan Red Herrings?

The clamor for a re-vote in Florida and Michigan is growing increasingly loud as the Democrat's nomination continues without a clear winner. Talking heads shoot the word disenfranchise at one another and the smell of hyperbole is thick in the air. But is it all for naught? Do Florida and Michigan really matter? Or is this another example of how little faith the American political system has in the American people?

Florida and Michigan moved their primaries ahead of the schedule set by the Democratic National Committee so that they would play a larger role in selecting the nominee. Why should a state the size of New Hampshire have more weight than a Florida or Michigan? Technically New Hampshire, no matter how early it votes, represents the same number of delegates no matter what. Unfortunately, because state primaries are spread out over almost a year, the primaries are a sort of race. They're like the racing games at the arcade. You have to finish your lap in a certain amount of time to continue, if you don't make it in that time you have to put another quarter in to keep racing. But with the primaries, if you don't finish those first couple of laps in 1st, 2nd or 3rd people stop giving you quarters to finish the race. A candidate who stalls in the first couple of primaries, but would otherwise do well nationally, is left staring at a flashing "GAME OVER" with no quarters to be had. So in that sense, those early states like New Hampshire with 30 delegates do have more say than Michigan and its 156 delegates. They essentially get to pick who the rest of the country votes for.

Understandably, Florida and Michigan didn't like this setup, and probably more states than that. But they were the only ones to defy DNC rules and move up their primaries. Only now their delegates don't count. Whether they should count, have a re-vote, or split the delegates isn't really that important. The real question is will they make a difference? If you look at the numbers, it's easy to see that they won't. Neither candidate has a chance to gain enough delegates need to win the nomination. Because of party rules, this thing is already out of the hands of the voters. Florida and Michigan aren't the only ones being disenfranchised, the entire country is.

Because we have a political system with delegates, superdelegates, and an electoral college the vote of the common citizen means very little. Don't believe me? Ask Al Gore. Ask the next nominee of the Democrat Party. The next nominee might have the most votes, but believe me, that's not how he/she will be chosen. It could just as easily go the other way. How would they do it and remain "democratic"? Let's say Hillary wins the nomination without the most votes. She would have done so because the superdelegates all magically decided to vote for her, giving her the nomination. That's what those superdelegates are for, to ensure that the will of the party can override the will of the people.

That's not to say your vote doesn't count. It counts in the sense that the more a candidate has, the longer that candidate can stay in the race. But party elders are ultimately the ones who decide which candidate crosses the finish line first.

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Keep Your Lead, China! I've Brought My Own

China has been getting a lot of heat again, this time for its military reaction to the protests in Tibet. Tibetans have used the Beijing Olympics as a springboard for their campaign, not of independence, but to say "Hey, quit being such an asshole" in their nomadic-mountain-folk-Buddhist way. China knew this was going to happen.

The Olympics presented a golden opportunity for Tibetans to get some media attention after about a decade of neglect (where the hell did you go Beastie Boys?) Conversely, it gave China a chance to show that it wasn't so bad, it wasn't trying to breed Tibetan's out of existence by importing ethnic Chinese into the region. And so, to the concerns and criticisms leveled by the Tibetan protesters, China's released this carefully crafted response: "Fuck you!" Fuck you in the form of thousands of troops occupying Lhasa, hundreds of arrests, and many dead.

So they've got that going for them.

To be honest, I was afraid the Tibetans weren't going to get their five minutes. Before the protests, there was a lot of talk that this was going to be the Darfur Olympics. Everyone was going to protest and boycott the Beijing Olympics because China has been sucking oil out of a troubled region for the past eight years. Nevermind the people that have been killed, displaced, and oppressed for more than fifty years.

And nevermind China's other issues with human rights, pollution, and puppy murders. Recently China made the point to call America's human rights record into question. America has a terribly high prison population, among other things wrong with the country, but it doesn't negate China's record. Like the estimated 10,000 people executed each year (NYTIMES). I say estimated, because China doesn't really release those numbers, so it's up to different watchdog groups to figure out. I imagine it's easy to keep a low prison population when death is the punishment for most crimes. Can you imagine being executed for downloading an mp3? Some people should for the crap they listen to, but that's neither here nor there.

To add to the injustice, the executed's family are charged for the cost of the execution. On the face of it, this doesn't sound like a bad idea, particularly for a communist country. After all, the bullet isn't free. It's the People's Bullet. Why should the People have to pay for something to the benefit of the individual?

My questions is, can you bring your own bullet? I don't need anything fancy. There's no need to use uranium tipped, armor piercing, hollow point, gold jacketed .50 cal rounds. At the same time, I don't want a .22 bullet bouncing around in my skull, destroying as many brain functions as possible without killing me. Blow my head off with a plain-jane .45 and I'll be happy. Better yet, here's a steak knife from my kitchen drawer. Let me have an open casket funeral and reduce the financial burden on my family.

If China wants to improve its image and salvage a little dignity for the Olympics (while polluting the world, exploiting and oppressing millions, and executing thousands) the least it can do is kill people with their own cutlery.

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Lou Dobbs == Charlton Heston?

In 2010 primates will learn sign language and be able to communicate intelligently with humans. This new ability to "speak" will shock the world, throwing their legal status and rights into limbo. In an attempt to avoid future lawsuits, hundreds of research labs across the country will release millions of animals into the workforce. Lou Dobbs will finally shut the hell up about Mexicans and worry about the real threat to the nation's economy: those damn dirty apes!

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Bin Laden's Been Gettin' Busy

Osama Bin Laden's latest recording was released early this week on cassette tape, eschewing digital trends sweeping through the recording industry. Jihadists around the world have been anticipating this release for months, but was it worth the wait?

Since 2002 Bin Laden has been know more for spelunking than funky beats, wicked rhymes, or Jihadism. Questions about his relevance have grown among once loyal followers, and tabloid covers have America asking if Brittney is the new face of terrorism. Now with a new tape out, and a whole new spin on life, supPublish Postporters say Bin Laden is back, and back with a 'tude.

On his new tape, Bin Laden shifts his focus from America, and calls out the Pope and European cartoonists. Unofortunately, most of the tape feels dated as it devolves into a he said/she said rant about the pope, but it could just as easily be about Bush or sand fleas. After hearing only a few minutes of his diatribe, one can only think-- this is so 2003. Other targets for Bin Laden's wrath are those who would reproduce images of the prophet, including cartoonists, ice sculptors, confectionists, and action figure manufacturer McFarlane Toys. Ironically, the one highlight of the recording is a surprise holla to Far Side cartoonist Gary Larson, whom Bin Laden calls a "kindred spirit." While calling for the deaths of pedestrians and fruit sellers, Bin Laden officially names "the chicken of despair" as the Al Qaida mascot.

Despite all the hype leading up to this most recent Osama release, one can't help wonder if Jihadists will be left a little disappointed. The venom and menace once focused so heavily on America, seems lame and cruel when targeted on dutch cartoonists and a geriatric kraut. With Bush soon leaving office, and an imminent foreign policy shift in America, Bin Laden might think he has won the war on terror. But at what cost? Maybe he proves the old Saudi adage: It's better to blow up than to fade away.

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The People Who Watch Us Sleep at Night

When you turn the lights out at night, and crawl between cool, comfortable sheets, you are not alone. It is dark but for the street lights or moon peaking through the windows, but it is more than enough for Them to see. The People Who Watch Us Sleep at night do not watch with human eyes.

As you drift off to sleep, They stare at you through air conditioner vents, and under door cracks. They listen to you breathe and snore and sleepily murmur through snoozing clock radios and turned-off TVs. You might wake, totally sure someone else is in the room with you, but you can't see Them through the shadows. And you can't hear Them over your own heart beat. The only sense that detects Them is your knowing. So you roll over, and try to forget that you know.

Once you are deep asleep, They bound from one shadow to the next, until They crouch huddled around your bed. The deeper you go into sleep, the closer They draw to your body. They crawl under your sheets and blankets. Some melt up from under the bed. Toward the end of the night, They are suffocatingly close, like a plastic bag over the head. When They are not listening, They are telling. They speak into your mouth, so each breath we take draws Them in. The first thing you taste in the morning will be Their whispers. They taste like dirty black licorice.

The things they say are warnings, or threats. They will not hurt you. They just watch. But the more you fill up on Their sayings, the more forgetful you become. Their words build up like plaque on your brain, and you forget to do little things; like brush your teeth before bed, say your prayers, or lock the front door. They drift out through the unlocked door, and someone with rope and pliers slips in. And when you wake up, if you wake up, you will absolutely know you are completely alone.

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George Bush is the Smartest Man on the Planet?

Last week General Patreus gave congress a sobering report about the state of the war in Iraq. Not only has the Iraqi government failed at nearly every task in securing itself, but the General could not say if the war made America safer, the sole purpose for the military to be engaged in any conflict. A common theme used by the White House, and echoed by the General, was that if we leave Iraq now, as is, Iran will step in and fill the void. Each week we've been fed more reports about Iran. They are building a nuclear weapon. They are supplying Iraqi insurgents with weapons to kill Americans. And they are possibly working with Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. It would seem that, rather than defending the war in Iraq, the White House is laying grounds for another war with Iran. They have all but declared the Iranian army a terrorist organization. And each time Iraq or Afghanistan is mentioned, Iran is quickly inserted into the conversation. It would seem the White House is bungling itself into another conflict in a tense region, with an overly-stressed military, and an unsupporting electorate. But what George Bush has really been doing is the culmination of a 4 year plan to sucker the French into a war with Iran.

It started in 2003 when America invaded Iraq without UN (French) approval. They were insulted. Called us war mongers. We countered with freedom fries. After the invasion, the French asked to be a part of the rebuilding process. We told them to fuck off, then completely dismantled the Iraqi Army, Police Force, and national government. The American image was tarnished, we were seen as incompetent, imperialist bullies, but the French were emasculated.

The second part of the plan was to bolster Iran. A lot of saber rattling from the US gave Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the attention he needed to seem a threat. And exercising diplomacy instead of carpet bombing showed the world that this is a threat America was not prepared to take on. This opens the door for the French. They've been humiliated and ignored by the President. They've had thousands of years being the rude, arrogant assholes of the world, and now the Yankees come in and kick them to the curb. Well, they're not going to take it anymore. If America is too cowardly to take on Iran, the French will show them how it's done.

That's the plan, and it seems to be working. Sunday, French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner said that the world should be prepared for war if Iran goes nuclear. However, proving that there is still at least one guy in France still without his balls, Prime Minister Francois Fillon said everything needed to be done to prepare for war.

Screw that, I say. France needs to get that war machine going. Have some pride. Go shoot someone. Because if this isn't the Bush plan, if we really are the incompetent bullies we appear to be, and George Bush really isn't the smartest man on the planet, then we're in for a lot of shit. So, please. France. Beat us to the punch. Show the world you really are a bigger bunch of assholes than we are.

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Axe Body Wash Makes Like Chinese Michael Vick, Murders Puppies With Lead-Based Treats

It's all over the news again: a third recall of Chinese manufactured items, poisoned with lead based paint. The last couple of recalls were crappy toys no one's played with in 5 years, except for poor kids who don't deserve toys in the first place. This time it's Barbie Dolls. Millions of girls and pansy boys from middle class families have been put at risk to the deadly effects of lead poisoning. But the nightmare doesn't end there. Yours-truly has recently discovered that another, far more important segment of the population, has been endangered by the greedy corporations, negligent manufacturers, and lead-spewing Chinese: the erotic toy-duck aficionado and his pet dog.

I recently purchased an Axe Body Wash Collector's Edition. i was in need of soap to showers, but I was lured to that product in particular by the free, sexy rubber-ducky included with the package. How could I resist? Little did I know that the sexy rubber-ducky was manufactured in China, and could possibly have killed or poisoned me.

Below I have reprinted an email I sent to Unilever, producers of Axe Body Wash; Accoutrements, toy-duck manufacturer; the Chinese Embassy; and the Consumer Product Safety Commission. The email details my concerns over the safety of their product, my experiences with the product, and some suggested short-term reparations until a recall of the product is made. Should any responses follow, be sure that they will be reprinted on this blog.

WARNING: the following email contains descriptions and scenes some might find upsetting, particularly those living in the imaginary world where money grubbing corporations and foreign countries really care whether or not they kill you with their product after you've purchased it.

To whom it may concern,

I recently purchased an Axe Shower Collector’s Edition with She Devil-Duck. While taking a bath with the She Devil-Duck, I noticed that it was produced in China. With the recent recalls of lead-tainted items manufactured in China, I wondered if the She Devil-Duck might also be subject to a recall.

Though I am concerned about the effects of lead poisoning, I am not familiar with the symptoms. Perhaps if I share my experiences with the She Devil-Duck you could determine whether or not I have been poisoned and/or a recall should take place.

I could not give you an accurate temperature of the bath water, but room temperature was 75 degrees and the water was slightly steaming. There was no soap present in the water, as I take baths to relax and/or masturbate. I placed the She Devil-Duck in the tub when it was about half-way full. While it squeaked adequately enough when squeezed, the She Devil-Duck did not perform so well in the water. Approximately two seconds after floating on the water it fell on its right side. Upon righting the duck, I made particular note of the subtle indentation over the duck's bodice, hinting at an ample bosom. Kudos to your art department for producing something erotic in duck form, yet not stooping to the gutter level of other body wash producers. As I continued my inspection I noticed: the made in China stamp on the bottom; and a few spots where paint had already begun to wear off. I did not know if the lead in your product was heat sensitive or not, but I immediately threw it out of the bath. Other than a slight case of premature pruning of the hands and feet, I can report no other ill effects from your lead poisoned item.

Unfortunately, I can not say the same for Lil' Stinker, the family dog, or our carpet. After tossing away the toxic rubber duck, Lil' Stinker took hold of it, and devoured it on the spot. I theorize that as the lead was activated by the steaming water, it became corrosive, breaking down the rubber, and making it easier for an unsuspecting pet to swallow it and die. As of this writing Lil' Stinker is still with us, her agonizing and inevitable death antagonized by severe bouts of explosive diarrhea. The walls are easy to paint over, however the carpet will be quite costly to replace; emotionally and monetarily. The missus and I first had sex on that carpet and there are some old stains, that have been covered by the new dog stains, which have great sentimental value.

At this moment, I do not seek any sort of compensation, only that this dangerous "toy" be removed from the market. Had any of our children survived their abortions, I shudder to think what tragedies might have taken place were they to come in contact with such a thing. I do suggest that a donation be made in the name of Lil’ Stinker to the American Scatological Society. These unheralded people work tirelessly at the study, treatment, and prevention of fecal morbidity. Perhaps your small act of contrition would save the next Lil’ Stinker from the miserable fate brought on by your charming, poison-filled novelty.

Please do the right thing.

Sincerely,
Barnabas Danglewood.

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Awww!

I got a call late last night from Lil' Stinker. She was in a panic. Through the snorting and licking and wheezing of her short snout, I could hear whimpering.

Her grunts and whimpers were running into each other. Something was wrong, but in her state, I could not tell what.

"Silence, she-bitch!" I shouted. She was silent, and after pacing nervously around in three circles, she sat down and looked up at me. "Now, slow down and tell me what's wrong."

The first thing she told me was that she needed my poop. Or rather, a piece of my poop. One just large enough to pass for the stool sample of an eleven week old bull dog puppy. Not her of course, but a friend of hers that was having a poop analysis done at the vet's in the morning. However, the friend had just finished the last leg of the Iditarod and was severely dehydrated, and thus constipated.

The entire situation struck me as odd, and Lil' Stinkers story didn't add up. I had heard of puppies eating feces and was beginning to wonder if Lil' Stinker had picked up the nasty habit from one of the neighbor dogs. Had the dachshund across the way turned her on to shit? Was this the first sign of a jones coming on, an attempt to con me out of my poo?

I of course refused to help. The story was too shady, I told her. And any sensible vet would reschedule. Finally she broke down into a pile of wrinkles and drool. The poo was for her. She was a candidate for high profile government job. She needed to provide a stool sample to test for worms, parasites, and narcotics. The problem was that until recently she had been a drug mule for a missouri cartel running dope through Kansas. She hid balloons of coke or H in her tail pocket, and if any drug dog got too suspicious, she cried sexual harassment, and he got his balls snipped. Unfortunately, on her last run two nights ago, a german shepherd got a little too frisky. One of the balloons exploded. She spent the last two days thinking she was a fire hydrant. She just came down an hour ago, with enough time to remember her job, the test, and a desperate need for clean shit.

I could tell by the way she licks her butt she wasn't lying to me. She said she'll do anything for me, if only I'll help her out this one time. I thought back to all of her crap I've had to pick up, and all of the stains in the carpet.

"No, Lil' Stinker. No." She can clean up her own mess this time.


Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

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Vote With Your Dollar

Like a lot of people, I at one time stole a lot of music and movies. It didn't seem like much of a big deal, the artist wasn't really losing that much money and I would pay to seem them in concert. And I wasn't the only one. Most of my friends did the same thing to the same artists. What we never considered at the time was the music that was being bought and the people who bought it. I'm talking about all of the crap you hear on most mainstream pop radio stations. I'm talking about all of the crap you hear on most mainstream rock stations. And I'm talking about all of the country music you hear on most country music stations. While my friends and I were blaring our stolen music, laughing about how we screwed the man, we were shoving the big floppy dildo of irony up our own asses.

You see, my generation created what was arguably some of the best, freshest music since the 60s. We had Nirvana, Jane's Addiction, The Pixies, Nine Inch Nails, Soundgarden, Rage Against the Machine, Tool, and so many, many more. And for a brief while, Rock under the guise of "alternative", was king. It was a period of time where record companies couldn't sign bands fast enough to satiate the hungering masses who had been starved on a diet of hair bands and pop singers. But then things changed, as they tend to do. There was a saturation of similar acts. The record companies and the media both over-hyped "Alternative" and "Grunge", not realizing that people wanted good music, not labels. The people who bought Nevermind were the same people buying Nothing's Shocking and Pretty Hate Machine. Those were three vastly different forms of music. What they had in common was that they were really damn good. Then the Internet boom came, and we the fans finished what the record companies and Rolling Stone Magazine had started.

It's not that by stealing music we forced artists into day jobs. I think the first new CD I stole was The Fragile by Nine Inch Nails. Since then NiN has released two full length Cd's, a remix CD, and toured the world a few times over. And they (Trent Reznor) are still kicking ass. But by not purchasing the music and not requesting it on the radio, we have neglected our most important duty as fans: the duty of advocacy. Not just advocacy for a particular artist or style, but an advocacy for quality. A record companies sales are listed in dollars and units moved, not star ratings. You can rant all you want about how some musician or singer is total crap, or how another is the greatest thing since sliced bread, but if it's not written in cash it doesn't mean a thing. They don't care. The record companies don't care what sells, so long as it sells. The media doesn't care what they push, so long as someone buys it. And frankly, most of the public doesn't care, so long as they've got what everyone else does.

Every time I downloaded pirated material, I was costing my favorite bands a fan and customer in the eyes of the Record Companies. With each customer lost, the Record Company has less reason to support an act. By stealing music I was effectively telling the Record Companies to stop putting out the music I like. In fact, I was telling them that anything I might like I probably wouldn't buy. So the past few years of crappy music, has more or less been my fault.

Where is this going? Is this a rant to convince you of the evils of music piracy. No. Unfortunately, that battle has probably been lost. And for most people, I encourage them to steal music, because they're probably listening to bullshit anyway. What I'm talking about here is voting with your dollar. Every CD you buy is a message to the record company that someone values their product. The more people who buy it, the more value it has. Every time you steal a song or a CD you're no different than someone who doesn't vote during a government election. We have the government we do, the war we do, because the only people to show up to the polls were Brittney Spears fans, Michael Bay fans, and Country music fans. Every time you steal music or movies you have effectively silenced yourself. You've given up the ability to declare what is good. The only votes being counted are the ones paid for at a retail location or movie theater.

If you're satisfied with a Bush-Cheney government, radio stations that play Paris Hilton "songs", and crappy remakes of the few decent movies Hollywood has produced, then by all means, keep doing what you're doing. However, if you're like me and sick of crap being sold to us in every facet of our lives, then use your voice. Vote with your dollar. The best way, the only way, to say the pop flavor-of-the-month sucks is to buy a Tool CD.

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