LeBron Kong?

LeBron James walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks up from cleaning mugs and says, "Wow, where'd you get that thing?"

The parrot squawks, "From the cover of Vogue, they're everywhere."

A lot is being made of LeBron James on the cover of Vogue. He poses in mid-dribble, growling, and clinging to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen like... well, like she's a Brazilian supermodel. To some, it's racially insensitive. But why?

There are two claims that the cover is racially insensitive. The first charge is that it perpetuates the stereotype of the violent, angry, black man. The second charge is that the cover is overtly racist, portraying James as King Kong, or a gorilla, holding onto his captive white woman.

When dealing with perceptions, there really is no right or wrong. But it is useful to examine why people see what they do, and why it is different from what someone else sees. For instance, if looking at that picture, you see a black man posing as a gorilla, who is applying the stereotype? Does the photo have anything in it that a reasonable person would associate with primates? There are no bananas, no jungle in the background, and no swings hanging from the air. So what in your brain made you associate gorilla with LeBron James? Is that Vogue's racism at work? Leibovitz's? Lebron's? Or yours?

It reminds me of when Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was released. Some people were upset that a few of the aliens (non-humans)appeared to be stereotypes for Japanese and Jews. Mind you, these were aliens (non-humans) with bug eyes, wings, etc. So how could they represent stereotypes of human ethnic groups? "Well, that one sounds Jewish and he's greedy." So because it sounded the way some viewers percieved a Jew to sound, and acted in a way some viewers percieved a Jew to act, they saw a Jew. Nevermind that the movie took place in a time long, long ago and a place far, far away where there were no Jews.

But instead of recognizing their own racists perceptions, they blamed George Lucas for what they saw. George Lucas has done a lot to harm the world with those last three movies, but I don't think you can blame him for spreading racism or antisemitism across the galaxy. Nor can you blame Leibovitz, James, or Vogue for it. If looking at that cover you see a chest-pounding gorilla ready to rape-- and not one of our most gifted and competitive athletes holding onto a sexy woman, then maybe there is something wrong with your perception...

LeBron James walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks up from cleaning mugs and says, "Wow, where'd you get that thing?"

"From Africa," James says. "They're everywhere."

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Comeback Story of the Year Rick Ankiel Accused of HGH Use, But Still Not an Asshole

It was reported in the New York Daily News this morning that Cardinals baseball player Rick Ankiel acquired HGH in 2004. The slugger has made headlines for his improbable conversion from pitcher to outfielder, and the dramatic homeruns he has hit since his August call-up from the minor leagues. Ankiel originally broke into the majors with the Cardinals in 1999 as a fireball throwing pitcher, with a wicked 12-6 curve. However, a bout of wildness in the 2000 playoffs sent Ankiel into a spiral of arm trouble and uncertainty. Close to hanging up the cleats forever, Ankiel attempt the startling conversion to the outfield. Since his call up to the major leagues in mid-august, Ankiel has 9 homeruns and 27 RBIs.

The accusation of HGH use surely taints what has been one of the few feel good stories in this year's baseball season. Sports in general have had it rough with the Bonds allegations, the Michael Vick fiasco, and the NBA referee scandal. The enthusiasm for the Ankiel story will definitely be cooled now with this recent information. People might starting throwing the cheater label around despite the facts that this happened 3 years ago, HGH use was not against MLB rules until 2005, and that there is no reported use or possession of HGH once it was prohibited.

Considering the hate and venom that has been spewed at Bonds, perhaps it's only fair that the same happen with Ankiel. It's unclear if Bonds really broke any "rules", yet people feel he tarnished the game, and soiled quite a few records. The moment he broke Hank Aaron's all-time homerun record people immediately jumped on the A-Rod bandwagon. Millions prayed for 5 more healthy seasons so the record could be taken back by a "good guy." But long before the record, and to some extent, long before allegations of drug use, Bonds was a hated player. His skill as a player was eclipsed only by his arrogance. People have a difficult time relating to someone whose most notable trait, besides his monstrously gigantic head, is a distant and chilly demeanor.

I doubt Ankiel will feel such wrath from the fans. Though a slight shadow has been cast on his achievement, Ankiel has been anything but a Bonds like asshole. Despite his improbable rise, dramatic homeruns, and the slow ascent of the Cardinals in the standings, Ankiel has been humble and thankful. As long as he continues doing what he's doing, the fans will still be there. They will not be as enthusiastic. They will be heard sighing wistfully for the Comeback Kid Story of two days ago. But they will see a kid a having fun playing a game-- and so long as he remains as he has been, people can imagine themselves as that kid. And they will always root for the player they can see as themselves.

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Michael Vick and Dog Fighting

Michael Vick obviously doesn't read my blog. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, if you wouldn't do it to a baby, you shouldn't do it to an animal. That includes: shooting, hanging, electrocuting, smashing on the ground, starving, burying in the back yard, or sport fighting. I know, baby fighting sounds entertaining, but all it takes is one kid with that single chiclet to really make things messy.

Vick could be innocent. He is until proven guilty. So we won't really know for another 1-2 years, depending on how much his lawyers cost. In the meantime, I would advise that no one let this guy babysit. Maybe he does read my blog. Maybe he can do this to animals, because that's how he treats children. How many bed wetters does he have buried in his back yard?

Vick could be innocent of the charges brought against him. However, someone tortured and murdered those animals on his property. If the feds do a raid on his house and find a backyard full of toddlers, what's his defense going to be? "They're not my bed wetters."

Vick could be innocent. One has to ask, what would make a guy who has so much to lose do something so stupid, so cruel, and so illegal? One could ask that for a number of celebrities and sports figure besides Vick. Maybe he can risk it all, because nothing will be lost. He knows that if caught, he faces a maximum of one slap on the wrist, and a fine up to a year's wages for a burger fryer. But the job will still be there, the fans will still be there. The spot light will still be there, although angled just a bit so the pile of dog carcasses don't upstage him.

However, if Vick is found guilty, he could face up to six years in prison and a fine of $350,000. Even if he did get the maximum, it seems kinda light to me. Six years for someone who slaughtered animals purely for sport? Check that, tortured animals purely for sport. Their murder was the most humane thing done to them. Do we want a guy on the street whose past time is torturing animals? Not the streets of America anyway.

Perhaps he was just auditioning for a job with the CIA. Maybe he already had a job with the CIA. Being an NFL quarterback was just a cover, and these dogs were really enemy combatants. First they were secreted away to a clandestine prison in Virginia, a sort of no-mans land for international law. To get them to talk, they forced the dogs to do humiliating tricks like play dead, beg, and sing. When that didn't work, they were stacked into canine pyramids, and photographed wearing cute sweaters, hats and little booties. Finally, Special Agent Vick and his toadies were brought in to work them over. Sadly, torture proved just as ineffective with these dogs as it has with humans. Whatever secrets they had, they took with them to a shallow grave in Virginia. But it was all for National Security.

So the question then becomes, who gave the order? President Bush? Vice President Cheney? NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell? Or those who continue to put these people in a position of authority, the season ticket holder?

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Promoting Your Sport

Major League Baseball's midsummer classic was on last night, and once again the National League got stomped. It sold out, but this is not any sign of its popularity, rather the number of corporate sponsors pumping dollars into what I'm afraid is a dying sport. Those aren't fans in those sits, doing the wave and eating brats. They're employees.

In an interview by Dan Patrick on ESPN Radio, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said that baseball was more popular than ever. Somehow I doubt this is true. When talking to other sports fans and baseball is brought up, the general reaction is that baseball is about on par with golf as a spectator sport, and just above bowling for athletic ability. It saddens me that our National Past-Time, even when injected with performance enhancing drugs and amphetamines, barely rates a yawn from today's sports fans.

To be sure, baseball has its fans. What it doesn't have, which other sports (football in particular) have, are the non-fans bullied in to following a sport they're too afraid to admit they don't like. I'm talking about the guy who goes to work Monday morning and isn't talking about Sunday's games. "Dude, you didn't see the Raiders game yesterday?" No, he was busy painting his war game miniatures and watching the Stargate marathon he Tivoed from the night before. To some, this might seem a reasonable way to enjoy a Sunday afternoon. To a football fan, this guy is a fag. "What are you, queer?" He might be, but the insinuation isn't that there is something wrong with being queer, but that there is definitely something wrong with not watching football. And so each week this guy feels compelled to follow a sport that has been out of his life since high school; a time when bullying and football were most likely synonymous. Everntually, his web browser's anime and manga bookmarks are slowly replaced by fantasy football sites. The half naked woman with the cool sword and dragon he had as his desktop background is gone; in its place is the logo of the team he's pretty sure he's supposed to follow. And every Monday morning he turns down the World of Warcraft podcast he's been listening to for two years so he can eavesdrop on the guys and their talk about Sunday's game. All so he won't be a fag.

Because of this cruel bullying, this demeaning of people with different interests and hobbies, football has become the most popular sport in America. Rather than appeal to people with the precision, skill, team work, strategy and tactics football demonstrates, fans resort to name-calling, shunning, and public humiliation to convert the masses to their cause. So why can't Baseball have fags, too?

These non-fans, or fags, account for 90% of a sports popularity and revenue. Wrestling has employed the tactics of football, and look how far it's come in the past twenty years: from Saturday morning cartoon for 8 year olds, to tits and beer for white trash across the country. It's what happens when Pop Culture meets Sports. It doesn't matter if you really like something, or even if it's any good. The important thing is that you buy it and show it to everyone, so they know you've bought it. God help you if you didn't buy it. Just ask Rv. Fred Phelps, God sends fags straight to hell whether they're homosexual or not.

For baseball, the sport I love, I've experimented with this method. When I ask people if they like baseball they usually say, "Baseball? It's so boring!" And I reply, "What? Are you a fucking idiot?" It is both demeaning and legitimate. But as most people are fucking idiots, and don't really mind being called one, it has had little to no impact. I won't go the fag route, since they'd probably say "No, I watch football." So I'm going to try for "What? Are you a bitch?" I suspect basketball already has claim to that one, but if the last NBA final is any indication, they're either not using it properly or it doesn't work.

Perhaps the real reason baseball is dying isn't because we haven't bullied the fags into our sport, rather we are the fags being bullied out of ours. Our numbers are dramatically being culled by football, basketball, wrestling and their cavemen supporters. I say it's time for a change. I say their is nothing greater than a 12 to 6 curveball, or a perfectly turned 6-4-3 doubleplay. I say we fire the corporate dicks sitting in our seats, eating our brats, drinking our beer. I say we beat the cavemen at their own game, and make them all our bitches.

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